I read a lot of books for Aspies, and they all talk about conversation as if conversation is about talk.

And words and topics.

Guess what. It’s not.

Listen up, people. The word “conversation” comes from two Latin words “con” and “verse” which together mean “to turn with.”

Conversation is about turning with other people.

You can think of conversation as an engine. Engines are made up of parts (you know, cogs and turny-things and cranky-things and oily things). Each part depends on the other to keep it going.

If some parts move too fast or two slow, or if they don’t fit, then the whole engine grinds to a halt.

In a conversation, each person is a part of the engine.

That means that conversations are about relationships, not about words.

Not even about ideas.

Because if you think of conversation as a bunch of words and ideas glued together, then you’ll be a dumptruck. And nobody wants to be dumped on.

Here are some ideas for making a conversation more like an engine:

1. Focus on the person (or people). What parts of your interests and personality can connect with their interests and personality? Your goal is not to impress, make speeches, or be the expert, but to build connections with this person and “turn with” him/her.

2. Reach for ideas and topics that match where the other person is at. They should click into place. The engine should keep going. If it doesn’t, if you get odd looks or a startled silence, then it didn’t click. Don’t sweat it, just smile and say “Sorry, what were you saying?” Your job is to keep the engine moving.

3. Be oil instead of a gear. If conversation is hard for you, then be the oil. Focus on lubricating the gears rather than trying to fit in. Here are some ways to be oil:

• Ask questions that help keep the conversation going and show interest. (“And then what happened?”)
• Give nods, smiles, and small comments to let the speaker know he/she has your permission to keep on talking. (“Really?”   “Wow.”)
• Mirror what someone’s said by paraphrasing it. (“Are you saying that it doesn’t work without the key?”)
• Mirror someone’s personality and interests by showing him/her who he/she is. (“That’s really smart. I would’ve never thought of doing that.”)
• Keep the peace. (“Maybe we can all agree to disagree. How about some lunch?”)
• If a conversation’s getting to serious (or too hot), throw out a one-sentence humorous comment to help lighten the mood and create a distraction. (“I tried that once. It was a while before I regained consciousness!”)

People who lubricate a conversation are just as important as people who turn it and steer it. They’re well liked by others.

And since conversation is really all about relationships, then that’s the whole point.