The teen years are no picnic for Aspies. But then, they’re no picnic for anybody else. Who has great memories of high school? Even cheerleaders and football stars have issues.

So with that, we pop the bubble of high school fantasy and start talking reality.

1. Popularity is not going to happen. So set the goal to get two or three good friends, nothing more. Skip the dances, the team sports, the cafeteria, the hubba-hubba nudge-nudge wink-wink. Consolidate and simplify.

2. Teasing is going to happen. It happens to everyone. Teasing is part of teen communication. It’s not necessarily bad. In fact, responding well to teasing (like, giving a funny comeback) boosts your social status. So set the goal to work on building a teflon coating to ego and self-worth.

3. Sensory issues are going to get in the way. If you haven’t got your teen working on sensory issues, start now. Hypersensitivity and anxiety are going to make high school rougher than it needs to be.

Self management

The good thing about teens is that they’re old enough to take charge of their own issues. They can structure a sensory program for themselves.  They can make choices about what they feel okay doing and what they need to avoid.

And they can learn.

Here are my tips for navigating the social currents of teenhood:

1. Buy a good book on manners. Manners aren’t old-fashioned. They’re enduring. Because they work. Manners are fall-back-onto-patterns to use when you don’t know what to do. My favourite for teens is one called How Rude! The Teenager’s Guide to Good Manners, Proper Behavior, and Not Grossing People Out. It’s thorough (460 pages), creative, illustrated, and targets the reluctant reader with great layout, quiz boxes, tip boxes, margin notes, short paragraphs, and fun language. And it doesn’t hide from delicate situations where it’s hard to figure out what to do. It couldn’t be more targeted at Aspies.

2. Find social skills books, programs, and groups. These aren’t going to turn your kid into a social genius, but they’re going to give him/her information and ideas. In time, he/she will figure out what to do with those ideas. For now, it’s enough to start thinking about them.

3. Take anxiety out of the equation. If your kid’s anxiety level is high, now’s the time to start getting it lower. Anxiety is fear, and life is fearful when things don’t make sense. Getting control of hypersensitivity will help a lot. Neurofeedback is often very effective at training anxiety brainwave patterns away. Meditation can be effective. As a last resort, there are medications, but meds should never simply replace other programming. Whatever, just don’t leave the kid to wallow in weird brain rhythms that eliminate his/her chances at calm and happiness.

4. Focus on the long-term. Talk about college, university, careers, and life choices, not about day-to-day high school drama. Create life goals, not high school goals. Take the pressure off succeeding in an overcrowded, hormone-pressure-cooker environment that exists for only four years of your life.

5. Avoid villainizing. NT teens aren’t bad people. They’re just teens. They’ve all got issues. Telling your kid that the classmate who teases is a bully is not helpful. Very likely, the classmate is not a bully, and the teasing was friendly and well-meaning. Very likely, your kid misinterpreted the situation and blew it out of proportion.

By labelling all his/her peers as bullies, you add to the anxiety. Focus instead on getting to the bottom of the issue. What really happened? What could he/she have done differently? Help your kid find the goodness in people so that he/she will feel safe. Otherwise, your kid will go on the defensive (or offensive) all the time, creating a constant message of social problems.