I love reading all those social skills books that tell you How To Do Eye Contact.

Stand x-many inches away. Point your eyeballs at their eyeballs. Remember to blink. Avoid feeling embarrassed and ew.

Yeah, like that’s what people really do.

Listen up, people.

Eye contact is not about eyes at all.

At least, not about their eyes. It’s about your eyes.

Eye contact means you looking at their face. It means keeping in contact with them with your eyes.

(Besides, people have two eyes. So you would be able to look at only one eye at a time. I guess you could flick back and forth between their two eyes, like a cat watching a tennis game. I don’t know how charming you’d look.)

So why keep in contact with them with your eyes?

Because #1. Because their face shows their emotions.

You keep an eye on their face so you can see when their emotions change. Tiny movements and changes in expression around the mouth and eyes (but not necessarily in the mouth or in the eyes) signal changes in feeling. You can pick up if someone is getting annoyed, impatient, or bored. Or if they’re shocked, surprised, or delighted.

But only if you were watching at that split second. If you weren’t, then you missed it. And it won’t necessarily come again.

Because #2. Because you want to know what they’re thinking.

You can keep track of what people are thinking by watching their faces. Those tiny changes in expression  also show changes in thought. Someone whose face shows relaxation, approval, and happiness can change to stiffness, disapproval, and annoyance, just like that <insert finger snap>. You gotta be watching to catch it.

Those kinds of changes aren’t just emotions. They’re thoughts, too. The person was thinking one thing but now is thinking something different.

Imagine being in a small group of people talking together. You don’t want to offend anyone, and you want them all to like you. You need to keep track of what they’re thinking. The best way to do this is to watch their faces  — and especially the face of the person who’s talking.

Because #3. Because you want to get the message.

If you’ve always believed that communication is just about what people say, then no wonder you don’t know what to do with eye contact.

Here’s the big secret: When people communicate, they’re sending out a message. Some of the message is in their words, but most of it is in their voice, face, and body language. Don’t count on the words to give more than 10% of the message. The real message is in the nonverbal communication.

So maybe you’ve noticed how people can say one thing in words but their body language and voice say something completely different. They say “Oh, that’s nice” but they really mean “That’s not nice at all, you moron.”

Sure, some of it’s in their voice. And some of it’s in the way they move (their posture, gestures, etc.). But a heckuva lot of it’s in their face.

Besides, if you’re watching someone’s face, you’re going to notice their gestures and movements anyway.

Because #4. Because you want to stay out of trouble.

When you glance at people’s faces, you get their real message. You see what they’re thinking and feeling.

Out there in the real world, that can save you from a lot of pain.

Think about drivers out on the road. Making a little eye contact with them before you cross the road will keep you safe. You’ll know whether or not they see you, whether they’re planning to turn, or stop, or not.

Think about your friends when you’re in a new place. Making a little eye contact with them will help you get a feel what they’re thinking. They might silently signal to you that it’s time to leave. Or that you shouldn’t say, “Gee, is that guy a gangster? Do you think he has a gun?” within earshot of the unsmiling, suited man in dark shades.

Glancing at someone’s face is a way of checking in. You read whatever messages there are and give them a chance to signal something to you.

And you stay out of trouble. And hospitals. And cement boots.

But eye contact that’s posed won’t do you any good.

Eye contact isn’t a trick or a game. It’s not about looking nice or acting or mimicking. It’s not even about manners.

It’s about wanting to know what’s going on inside someone’s head and how it affects you.