Here are two plain-n-simple ideas for explaining relationships to an Asperger kid.

And by “relationships” I mean not just friend-friend relationships, but also boss-worker relationships, teacher-student relationships, mom-child relationships, etc.

1. A relationship isn’t a thing.

You can’t have a relationship the way you have a thing.

If you put your thing on a shelf, a year later you could take it down, dust it off, and use it, and it’ll be as good as new (though you might need new batteries). But if you ignore a relationship for a year, then don’t expect it to be there when you want it. Feelings will be hurt. Friends will have moved on.

That’s because a relationship isn’t the people: it’s the connection with the people.

You have to keep that connection going in order to still have the relationship. The only way to keep it going is through contact: being together, talking, emailing, or working together.

2. A relationship is like a bank account.

When you do things that make the other person feel good (such as doing your job well for your boss, or having fun times with your friend), that is like a deposit of goodwill to your relationship bank account. The more good things you do, the higher your balance. Good relationships have a high balance.

But when you do things that make the other person feel not good (such as hurting your friend’s feelings, ignoring your boss’s orders, or being sarcastic with your teacher), that is like a withdrawal from your relationship bank account. The more withdrawals you make, the more you draw down your balance.

When you have a high balance, your relationship can afford a few withdrawals. After all, mistakes and misunderstandings happen. Nobody’s perfect.

But when you have a very low balance, even the smallest withdrawal can end the relationship. People get fed up. They walk away or fire you or kick you out of class. And it doesn’t matter that you think “All I did was this one tiny little thing.” The problem is that there were so many withdrawals and so few deposits that the relationship was already on the verge of bankruptcy.

Think of it this way: Instead of the straw that broke the camel’s back, it’s the penny that broke the bank.

If you want to keep your relationships strong, focus on being present and on making deposits.

Keep your relationship connection alive and your account balance high.

When the balance is high, the other person will think good things about you, even when you’re not there. This adds more deposits to your account.

What do you do if you accidentally withdraw goodwill from the account or end up ignoring someone for a while?

You try to remove that withdrawal right away. An apology will help a lot, especially if you offer to do some nice things for the person to make it up. Then focus on making a lot of deposits and spending time together for a long while, to bring the balance back up.

Remember that the other person has an account with you as well. That person will keep a connection and make deposits and withdrawals with you.

There are always two sides to a relationship.