In the heap of “defining characteristics” of Asperger syndrome, here is one that gets little press. And it’s one of the most interesting.

Asperger kids don’t learn from consequences.

If you are the parent of an Aspie, you already know what this means. But there are other people reading this blog. So I will explain it for them:

1. It’s a distraction. Punishments and rewards distract Aspie kids from the crime. They focus on the two events individually, not on any connection between the two. Once you give the consequence, the Aspie kid gives no further thought to the action that brought it about. So then what’s the point?

2. It’s distress. Punishments are distressing. And distress in over-sensitive kids is in itself a Big Hairy Deal. You’ll get nothing done now for hours. The punishment will take over. You’ll ask yourself who is really getting punished, you or the kid. Trust me, it can go on forever.

3. It’s abuse. Aspie kids see punishment as bullying. I do something bad (by accident), so you do something worse back (on purpose). You are bigger than me, so you are picking on me. You are  mean and abusive of a little kid. Etc. These are not just words, this is how they see the situation. Any learning opportunity in the consequence gets mired in the vitriol.

4. It leads to learned helplessness. If a kid can’t make the connection between an action and its punishment, then he/she can’t change and can’t avoid further punishments. Punishments just come at him/her, day after day. This leads to depression and anxiety, but not to changed behaviour.

In sum: You can have the clearest list of crimes and consequences taped to the fridge and enforce them without slip-up like the model parent you are. But six months later, it will still be taped there, you will still be giving out the same consequences, and nothing will have changed.

Got the picture?

I find this fascinating.

Because this is where it becomes clear that Aspies have a different kind of brain.

Even animals can learn from consequences. Stimulus, response, stimulus, response. Pavlov’s dogs salivating at the sound of a bell.

And heck, we know Aspie kids are smart. So why do they not learn from consequences?

Here’s a radical thought — maybe shaping one’s behaviour based on consequences dished out by someone else is in fact a sign of low intelligence. And holding your mind independent of the actions of others is a sign of high intelligence.

Sorry, but someone had to say it.

It’s like the difference between dogs and cats.

Dogs are pack animals. They bow to the alpha dog. They take punishments and learn from them. They know their place.

And everybody knows dogs are kind of dumb.

But cats refuse. Try making a cat to do anything it wasn’t going to do anyway. Try making a cat obey.

Cats are smart.

NTs are dogs. Aspies are cats.

1. NTs learn from consequences because they are pack animals. Aspies are not as embedded in the pack, so they don’t feel the pack the way NTs do.When you don’t feel the pack, you don’t feel the consequence-ness of consequences. They are just bad things that people do to you. Revenge. Abuse.

2. Aspies don’t get roles. To understand who gets to punish/reward whom, you have to be able to feel the roles and relationships. Little NT kids know that grown-ups get to give rewards and punishments to kids. Aspie kids don’t. They see people more as equals. Rightness and wrongness is not relative to roles but to kindness. Yes, it’s so beautiful. But not very handy for parenting.

3. Aspie kids can learn how one action relates to another, but only  if those two actions are truly related. They can’t connect an action with a parent-induced consequence. They know that the consequence is made-up. They know that it really doesn’t necessarily happen.

4. Aspie kids perceive the act of making up punishments as irrational behaviour. They think NT parents are nuts. At best, they will learn to put up with the consequences just to avoid the crazy parent behaviour that will follow if they don’t.

So what’s a parent or teacher to do?

You have to learn to think like a cat.

You can’t herd cats. You can’t train cats. But you can live quite nicely with cats. And if you do, they will be downright friendly with you.

My suggestions:

1. Focus on natural consequences instead of made-up consequences. If he is late getting ready for school and misses the bus, don’t take away computer time as a consequence. Instead, make him walk to school. Consequences that flow logically from actions make sense to Aspie kids. So even if they don’t like the consequences, the connections form in their brain. And that’s what’s supposed to happen.

2. Tape a rights-and-responsibilities list to the fridge instead of a rules-and-consequences list. Aspie kids need to understand how the pack works before they can figure out why on earth there are so many rules and consequences. Make up the list together with the family so that the kid gets to add in the rights and responsibilities that are important to him/her.

3. Criminal justice in the West is so stupid — these people have done bad things to others, so let’s put them in a box for a set amount of time, cut them off from anything that might keep them sane and healthy, and then suddenly let them out, and let’s do it all at our own expense, while the victims never get compensation for what was done to them — and these truly dumb ideas infect the way NTs parent. Time-outs are fine if they are to give the kid a break from a bad situation, but they’re not fine if they are a version of “doing time.” Taking away privileges is fine if the privilege is part of the problem, but not if it is just a random way to punish.If you need to post a list of consequences, then list how you are required to fix the problem rather than listing set consequences. If you have inconvenienced someone, then you have to do a favour for that person at their request. If you have made a mess, then you have to clean it up. If you have broken something, then you have to repair it or replace it. If you hit or hurt someone, then you have to apologize and ask the victim what he/she wants you to do about it. This is restitutional justice, rather than retributive justice.

4. Always ask yourself What are the consequences of this consequence? As in, consequences to me, to my family, to my class? If the consequence is that the kid will declare you a bully that picks on little kids — in front of the whole class — then no secret here, those ideas are infectuous with other kids. You’ll have a mutiny on your hands and possibly some phone calls from parents wondering what is going on. If the consequence is that you will lose lots of time dealing with the upset kid or further meltdowns, then that’s a pretty big consequence. Be a dog, learn from it, don’t do it again.

I’m talking about making sense here. Cat sense. Dog sense.

Do what we do best.

Good luck.